Admittedly, being diagnosed as having cancer and being treated for it, can be a VERY difficult thing in life to cope with. Despite this, having been through it myself, I feel the bad times can overshadowed by the positive aspects cancer can bring.

It has changed my life, changed my outlook, and it has made me appreciate things people take for granted. It has given me the opportunity to learn more about life, about myself, my own feelings, people attitude, in fact I learnt more during the year I had cancer than I have throughout the rest of my life.

I can now look back on my experience of cancer as a huge challenge, one, which has been difficult, but with the help of the Doctors, a positive attitude and support of my family and friends I will hopefully overcome.

I was first diagnosed in May 1991. Months after feeling lethargic dizzy and generally "off colour" resulted in me being referred to a specialist in Milton Keynes Hospital. Lumps were discovered in my neck and a biopsy was planned. I immediately thought the worst; lumps to me meant cancer. I was reassured by family and friends that 95% of lumps were benign. I went into the operation very positively and assumed that that would be the end of it. The night of the operation I had a visit from the haematologist, he prepared me for the worst. The lumps were being examined but unfortunately he strongly suspected it was some form of cancer.

I'm stunned, people like me don't get cancer. What an awful feeling knowing I may have cancer, but not knowing for sure. I'm frightened - what if it is, what if they can't cure me, what if I die? No I mustn't think like that 95% of lumps are nothing to worry about so that's what I'll hang on to.

I was told today I have cancer. I can’t believe this is happening to me. My family and I are all in shock. You don't imagine things like this happen to you. I've been given a booklet to read about my cancer it's called "Hodgkin’s disease" I' ve never heard of it before.

Went to have my stitches out, saw all the nurses, they were please to see me so. They said "Oh Wendy haven't you had some wonderful news" I stood there near to tears, it didn't seem that wonderful to me. "You've got Hodgkin’s Disease, we were told you may have Leukaemia which is far harder to treat. Hodgkin’s has a such a good success rate"

The nurses really gave me a boost. It's never though of it like that - "good cancers and bad cancers". I suddenly felt very lucky. There are people in far worse situations than me, with cancers which are harder to cure. I am lucky; I' ve got good chances.

Went to the Hospital for more results and to find out whether I need radiotherapy or chemotherapy. I have hoped and prayed it will be radiotherapy in fact it's the only thing that has kept me going this week. However, it wasn't to be. I was told my cancer is quite widespread, in my neck, my chest, stomach and spleen and that it will require six - ten months of chemo. I burst out crying, kicked the wall, and shouted at the Doctor. I can't believe this, what have I done to deserve this. I do try to be positive but I keep getting knocked back - why?

Went home, numb. Can't bear to touch my hair knowing it will fall out. What if I can't have children - Guy and I are planning our lives, to get married, eventually have children like "normal" couples? Now everything is ruined. I may never be able to have children of my own - this is definitely the worst day of my life.

What a wonderful day, someone is watching over me and changing my luck. My haematologist referred me to an infertility clinic in Harley Street in London. They are putting me on the I.V.F programme. There is a chance I will be able to have my own children. I feel positive again. This is going to work. It's has got to.

The IVF programme was an experience in itself. There are a multitude of factors influencing its success rate. The majority of women who pursue the IVF programme attempt a few different drug regimes until the most suitable one for that particular person is found. My Doctor was only prepared to delay my treatment for 1 month; consequently I had only 1 chance. I was told not to expect too much. The average amount of eggs women produce is 6. Unfortunately not all are fertilised & many aren't of good enough quality to survive the freezing process.

There are so may 'ifs & 'buts', but I was determined this would be a success. I arrived at the clinic on Monday & was told to start the programme on day one of my period. I was due to start on the Friday prior to Monday appointment. Usually I'm very regular, but due to shock & upset I was delayed a few days. If I had have started my period on time; the IVF programme would have been impossible. To me, this is a sure sign that someone is watching over me. I pushed all thoughts of Cancer to the back of my mind. I could only cope with one thing at a time. All my energy & positive thinking was being directed to IVF at this moment.

A friend & colleague of mine had been told about crystals & stones & how certain stones were supposed to have healing properties. I had a visit from her & she brought me a piece of moonstone & a paper telling me of its properties. She was unaware I was undergoing the IVF programme & we were both equally shocked to read one of the stones properties was to ' beneficially stimulate the ovaries'. From the day I was given the moonstone to the day I finished the IVF programme, I constantly wore the stone around my neck. I believed in it. I really thought it was enabling me to produce lots of eggs. Most people would dismiss this as nonsense & mock my beliefs, but when you are undergoing something traumatic you need positive thoughts. You've got to believe in something. I can understand how people’s faith in religion can help during a crisis, but not attending church myself I needed something else. That little piece of moonstone gave me the strength & will, to stay optimistic through a programme where the success rate was very uncertain.

The IVF treatment was expensive. It wasn't available on the NHS without a few years waiting. It is sad that people simply aren't given the chance if they haven't got the money. When I was told the fees would be £2000.00, my heart dropped. Guy and I didn't have that sort of money, but we were the lucky ones. My parents contributed half the cost, from money, which my grandparents left in their will & Guy's Nan gave us the remaining half of the money to pay for the treatment. We will always be grateful for this help it certainly wasn't taken for granted. It's nice to think in a way our grandparents made it possible for us to have their great grandchildren.

Another important factor, which determined whether or not we were offered the I.V.F programme, was how good a relationship I had with Guy. Our case had to be accepted by an ethics committee at the clinic. The reason being that it is not yet possible for single women to just have their eggs frozen, they have to be fertilised first. Luckily I had a steady partner; we are not married but had been together for six years, so our case was accepted.

As I have previously said everything seemed to fall into place. The programme wasn't particularly pleasant. It involved many daily injections over the month, which disrupted my hormones, & many tiring trips to London for scans & blood tests.

Went to London for my first scan to see if any eggs were developing. I was very anxious. It was essential to me that this was as success.

Left the clinic feeling elated. I had twenty follicles, the majority of which contained eggs. At least I'm having a stoke of luck. It must be that piece of moonstone, which I was given recently.

The I.V.F programme was successful and the egg collection day soon arrived. I was given the choice of a general anaesthetic or pain killing drugs. Unfortunately a general anaesthetic would involve me travelling to a different hospital, as the facilities were not available at Harley Street. This would result in my eggs being transported back to the clinic for fertilisation; this had the risk of some of the eggs dying during transportation. I opted to just have painkillers as I couldn’t run the risk of any of the eggs being damamged or wasted.

The eggs were aspirated trans-vaginally and if I was totally honest I found it extremely painful. Most women do not experience such pain, I do not would not want to put people off, it was merely the fact that I had produced so many eggs (far more than average) my ovaries were extremely tender.

Went for my first Chemotherapy. I was very nervous. I was given an injection and sixteen tablets per day to take. Some of the tablets were the "cancer killing" drugs while other were preventative measures to help stop sickness, indigestion and mouth ulcers. I stayed in Hospital that night just in case a bad reaction to the drugs. I suppose it was a bit of anti-climax really, as nothing happened.

On my first visit to the ward I was quite apprehensive I expected to see lots "bald-headed" depressed, miserable people who were suffering and in pain. I couldn't have been more mistaken. The ward was a very cheerful place indeed full of people keeping my spirits up and helping me to be positive.

I can remember being very worried about losing my eyelashes and eyebrows. The hair on my head didn't matter as much, I could wear a wig but they didn't sell "stick on" eyebrows! I was discussing my fears with another patient, she had a terminal cancer and she was cheering me up. I guess it should have been the other way around. She was laughing with me, "all you are worrying about is your eyebrows" she said "I'm worrying if I'll ever wake up each morning".

That lady died a few weeks later and even when she was being wheeled away through the ward to spend her last few days peacefully in a hospice she lifted here head up a little and weakly called to me "have you still got your eyebrows - Wendy?"

I needed to be open about my illness, I accepted I had cancer and told everyone. I didn't want to hide it away, disguise my feelings or not use the word "cancer". I appreciate that to many people the word cancer conjures up very negative images. I suppose it's fear of the unknown, but in my opinion the more "cancer" is hushed up the more it remains a taboo subject.

Many people do find it difficult to admit they have cancer and would prefer to keep their illness to themselves. If that is their way of coping then that's all right. It is very individual thing and there is no right or wrong way. I found I had to talk about it constantly to help sort my mind out".

Felt sick today, I've got an unpleasant chemical taste in my mouth. I'm sucking acid drops all day to help get rid of the taste. I feel so tired; I've just slept all day.

I was up all night, couldn't sleep. I'm taking a high dose of steroids & they wind me up at night. Poor Guy is shattered; he's got to go to work tomorrow.

My first course of treatment went well. I only had minor complaints, like headaches & sickness, but I'm aware that the second course of treatment won't be so easy. I was prescribed 2 different sets of drugs on alternate months. "A" drugs & "B" drugs. The "B" drugs were the strongest & whilst very effective at killing the cancer cells, they also had a temporarily damaging effect on the blood which required careful monitoring.

The "B" drug killed many red blood cells. These are responsible for carrying oxygen around the body. A lack of these would result in me becoming very lethargic & anaemic. If the level was top become too low I would require a blood transfusion.

Also killed by the "B" drug are the white blood cells. These are responsible for providing the immune system. Without them any illness or infection can be easily contracted. To help combat this, strong antibiotics were prescribed as well as creams & mouthwashes to prevent simple things like ulcers & coldsores becoming serious. I was advised not to mix with people during this 2 week period & to keep myself & surroundings very clean. Everything had to be disinfected & I had to take my temperature frequently, any rise in temperature would result in admission into hospital for antibiotics on a drip to prevent any illness occurring.

Finally the "B" drug reduced the platelets in the blood. These are responsible for clotting the blood. I had to be careful not to bruise or cut myself. Any loss of blood which failed to stop, like cuts & nose bleeds would have to be reported & a transfusion of platelets would be requested.

All this sounded very bewildering at first, but really it was nothing to be alarmed about as long as I was sensible & didn't put myself at risk. My blood soon recovered on its own, this was only a temporary side effect.

Had my first "B" drug today. It was given to me in a drip. I asked my doctor about the drugs. He said they were derived from primrose & the other periwinkle.

I knew what was ahead of me now. I had to experience my first immune system drop & I also knew within the next few weeks my hair would fall out. I was well prepared; I bought 2 wigs & had my hair cut short so that when it did fall out it wouldn't be so drastic. To be honest I was dreading it. I couldn't brush my hair in the mirror without crying & even asked Guy or my Mum to wash it for me, as I was frightened of it coming out in my hands. Looking back now, once my hair had fallen out it was a huge relief & not as bad as I imagined.

Hair! Hair! Hair! That’s all I can say. On my pillow, in the sink, in my food- everywhere! Its well & truly falling out, but I don’t look any different yet, probably, as it’s so thick; there is so much to lose.

Feel poorly today, my blood count has dropped, my temperature keeps going up & down & my throat feels a bit sore.

Temperature very high. I was admitted into hospital. I've got a throat infection. It’s very sore. When you are healthy, you really do take your immune system for granted.

Horrible night. Still in hospital. My head became terribly itchy. I went into the bathroom, scratched my head & all my hair fell out. The sink was full to the top with hair. I looked at myself & cried. It just didn't look like me. I looked awful, so ugly. I was so upset; the nurse gave me a sleeping tablet to help me get through the night.

I soon accepted my hair loss. I didn’t have to worry now, what a relief, other patients in the ward were in the same position as me and we used to make light of the situation. There was a poster on the ward of a cartoon character with a baldhead beneath was a caption: ' God made only a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair'.

Having experienced losing my hair, I would tell someone in the same situation not to be nervous. I got myself worked up for no reason at all. There is really nothing to losing your hair admittedly it is a shock when it happens, however much you're expecting it, but you soon adjust. After all, it’s worth it if it’s going to save your life.

Whenever I got down about having to wear a wig, I would think to myself, I'd rather be bald & very much alive then not alive at all.

The "B" drug as I've said before affects your immune system. Some patients manage to sail through without picking up any infections. Unfortunately, I had to be admitted into hospital every time, although it isn't pleasant being in hospital, I was quite relieved to be there as I did feel poorly.

During these times I had regular blood tests to analyse my blood cells & treatment was then given. On a couple of occasions I lost a great deal of red blood cells & required blood transfusions. The thought of these at the beginning seemed quite daunting. I didn't like the thought of receiving someone else's blood & was quite frightened about the cases of contracting aids through blood transfusions. My haematologist put my mind at rest by saying that people did contract aids but that was years ago before blood was tested thoroughly. Nowadays blood is very safe & without it I would become critically ill. I didn't know what the transfusion actually entailed, but there was nothing to it. It is simply given through a vein just like the chemotherapy. It was more inconvenient than anything else was. It took about 8 hours for the 3 units of blood received.

Had to have a blood transfusion today, hopefully I'll feel better & have more energy afterwards. It's quite boring sitting here with my arm straight. I keep looking at the bags of blood & wondering where they've come from. You never know it might be a tall dark handsome man.

When I had an infection I had to be given strong antibiotics via a drip. They had to be given at regular intervals throughout the day & night. Some of this I did find very painful. It shouldn't usually be a painful procedure & other patients didn't experience this. My problem was with my veins. I have unusually small veins, which cannot be seen, clearly from my skin surface & this constantly caused problems for the doctors who had difficulty finding them. On some occasions they would need 6 or 7 attempts at finding my veins with the needle. I could stand 1 or 2 of these but my wrist began to get sore & bruised, my veins became burnt with the flow of antibiotics as it was so toxic & the doctors were frequently changing the flow into other veins to allow them to heal.

Feel a bit brighter now after my blood transfusion. My arms are a bit sore though after all the antibiotics.

Had a blood test to make sure I wasn't getting too much of the antibiotics. Apparently too much can cause kidney damage.

Oh you have to laugh, that’s all I need, a new kidney whilst I'm here.

The periods of being in hospital didn't last long, a week at the most. It was soon over and I began to feel well again. Throughout the chemotherapy I had periods of feeling poorly & periods of feeling really well. On my good days & there were plenty of them, I made the most of it. I pampered myself, weeks away, party’s etc, leading a normal life as possible. I wouldn't want people to get the wrong impression & think I was poorly constantly for months, as I wasn't.

I had to have CAT scans every few months. The scans were quite straightforward. They involved me swallowing a chalky liquid & then lying on a table, which moved itself through a domed shape machine in order to take x-rays.

I also had to have ultra sound scans on my stomach to check for the disease. These were also straightforward. I remember the first time I had to have an ultra sound scan, it was right at the beginning before I had been on the IVF programme & I was aware I might not be able to have children. I was sat in the clinic waiting room; I was waiting for the scan with lots of other pregnant women who were waiting for scans of their babies. I was trying not to look at them; it all seemed so unfair.

In November I had the last of my scans. It was an apprehensive time waiting for the results to find out how much more treatment I would require.

Went for my chemo as usual & was given the most wonderful news. My scan results were brilliant, no cancer to be seen. This would be my last chemotherapy & I will be finished by Christmas.

I can't tell you what a wonderful day that was. I ran out of the hospital & sat in my car & cried & cried with happiness. I drove home & phoned everyone up, who also cried with me. From that day on the 'congratulations' & 'well done' cards came rolling in. I felt wonderfully happy.

Congratulations instead of get well cards. I kept saying over & over again to myself, 'I'm better I haven't got cancer, I'm better'.

Christmas & the weeks leading upto Christmas were wonderful. I had so many bottles of champagne; so many celebrations I seemed to be on cloud 9 all the time.

Jean & Jenny from work came round. They told me to go upstairs & not to come down until they told me. When I came down my lounge floor was a mass of decorated hampers full of food & wine & chocolates. Also Congratulations cards with £80.00 in them. I burst in to tears with emotion. It was a gift from everyone at work. For months they had all been donating food for Christmas hampers to give to me when I was better. This really touched me it was a wonderful surprise & made me realise how many people care.

Christmas came & went & I was looking forward to putting everything behind me & getting back to work. I thought working full time would be too much so I decided to work mornings. People were pleased to see me back & I was thrilled to be starting to get my life back to normal. I assumed that as I had finished the chemotherapy & been told I no longer had cancer, I would feel fit & that would be the end of it. I was in for a shock.

Mentally I feel I coped very well with my treatment & stayed very positive throughout. I had something to focus on & had a wonderful support mechanism at the hospital. Suddenly everything stopped. I no longer saw the doctor & nurses on a regular basis as I had previously & I felt at a loss.

Back at work people used to talk about how ill they were feeling with a sore throat or a bit of a cold. This used to make me so angry, I would think of all the serious ill people I had been in contact with & how trivial a cold was in comparison with their illnesses. I knew that in time I would be back like my colleagues moaning about a trivial cold & it would feel important to me, but at the time people moaning like this, made me want to shout at them. I became quite complacent about things. I could see myself brushing over other peoples' minor problems by using helpful phrases like 'Oh well, worse things happen at sea' etc; When I knew that their problems however minor they seemed to me, were real to them.

The things I've described above were quite difficult at the time for me to cope with, but I feel the main crunch came for me when I went back to hospital for a check-up. I saw one of the nurses who told me some awful news. One of the people I had been having chemotherapy with (I will call him Ian for confidential reasons) had died. He was only 18 years old & had leukaemia. He had been given the all clear at the same time as me, however just after Christmas he had a massive relapse & died. After hearing this I went back to work & cried & cried. I didn't know Ian all that well, but it suddenly made me realise just how close to death I could have been. It didn’t seem fair. I couldn't help thinking about his grieving family & that’s where my depressed feelings started. I was constantly relating how Ian's family felt to how my family would have felt if I had died & all I seemed to do was cry.

I had never really appreciated the severity of my illness. I'd never thought about myself dying. All through my treatment I'd concentrate on getting better, which gave me something to focus on.

I went back to hospital to express my feelings to the doctors & nurses. It was wonderful to hear I wasn't going mad. It was explained to me that when a person goes through a traumatic experience the stress of it has to come out at some time.

Some people react badly to being diagnosed or others deny that they have got cancer & don't turn up for treatment. Others find the shock of it all comes out years later.

What I was going through was perfectly normal. It was a form of posttraumatic stress & was a healthy, normal process, which I had to go through. I was given time off work which gave me the opportunity to think & sort my feelings out, a task I could only do myself. As time passed things gradually got easier. I would still have occasions where I'd feel down, but that was to be expected. I found I had to go through my experience in detail & read my diary of the year over & over again. It may seem strange to people but I had to make myself read it in order to accept what had happened. I had to put it behind me & get on with my life.

This project I have written has helped me enormously. It has been difficult & has taken me a long time to write. On many occasions I couldn't continue with it, but overall it has been of great value to me emotionally & a method which has now helped me to totally put the experience in the past & identify all the positive aspects the experience has given me.

It is worth thinking, if you are ever faced with a traumatic experience that whatever happens to us in our lives, however difficult, however cruel, there is always something positive to be gained. Maybe we have to experience traumatic events in order to help others in similar situations, whatever the reasons, the experience certainly gives you an opportunity to build your character, to change your outlook on life & appreciate things previously taken for granted. If people can turn negative experiences into positive learning experiences, I'm convinced it would certainly go some ways towards ensuring those with health difficulties to be able to face their problems head on & progress positively through their treatment"